March 24, 2006

Trusting Myself

In a sharing group recently I said that I went through an unusual phase a few years ago. At that time, when I was near a pregnant woman, I would feel a compulsion to punch her in the stomach. I said that I didn't understand it and that I felt ashamed of it. I understood that this could appear to be very violent, even psychopathic. So I looked more deeply into why I had felt that compulsion and I realized what it was about:

When I stand next to the edge of a cliff I feel some internal unrest. It's like my mind is thinking about falling off and I don't want to fall off, but the thought is so powerful because it is so frightening that it kind of draws me to it. And there is a fear that I might jump off or trip over or something. It's like I don't trust myself. In contrast, if I stand on the sidewalk in the street, I'm not worried that I might fall into the road.

This is how it was when I went through that period that I described with pregnant women. I think it happened when my wife had just become pregnant with my son. It's like I had become very aware of how delicate the little baby was inside and so I was very cautious of bumping them by accident. And the thought of hurting the baby would be so powerful because it was so frightening that it kind of drew me to it. And there was a fear that I might elbow or punch the womb by accident. It's like I didn't trust myself. In contrast, if I stood next to a non-pregnant woman, I was not worried that I might hurt her.

I can see now that the phase I went through was a stage in my path to increased health. It's healthy to feel very scared when I'm by the edge of a cliff because it's healthy to want to protect myself from harm. And further, it's even healthier to move through that, to learn to trust myself, and to become comfortable on the edge of a cliff. It was healthy for me to become more aware of the delicacy of other beings, to feel scared that they might get hurt, and to want to protect them from harm. And it is even healthier to move through that, to learn to trust myself, and to know that I will protect them and not hurt them.

Intention is always good. Everything is sweet. The mind twists and warps; shames and fears; blames and labels.