April 6, 2006

I Still Know Nothing

A woman recently told me that the guy whom she has been dating is a looser. I wonder if we are all winners, and that we are all playing different games. I also wonder if I am writing these articles only so that they can be quoted from someday.

I recently wrote an article entitled I Know Nothing which contained no characters whatsoever. I want to explain some more.

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in a hot bath listening to Jacob Needleman read The Sayings of the Buddha (The Dhammapada) through some portable speakers connected to my iPod Nano. Every now and then a thought would enter my mind. I would look at the thought and realize that I could not know that it was true. Every time a thought came, I looked at it and realized that it was valueless to me. Thinking started to seem pointless; a waste of energy. And then I noticed that I was not thinking anymore.

I just lay there in the bath with no thoughts. Then I started to feel scared, and the feeling turned into intense fear. I wanted to surrender into the not knowing and into the fear; I did. I felt a lot of energy move up through my body and I started to cry.

When I get upset, I find myself looking at the thought which is causing it and then the thought just disappears. Sometimes I cannot even remember what the thought was.

It seems that I do not have a position on anything. It seems that I have nothing to defend anymore. It is very freeing to just be me without a complex structure of beliefs to keep whole.

I have noticed that I do things that might make me appear to have a position, but inside I do not seem to. It is like I am increasingly doing what feels right in each moment; I am doing what I want in each moment. I wrote about that in Choice: My Power.

It is all very weird and I can get very confused when I start trying to think about it. I do not want to think about it, so I will not.

But now I am starting to think. I am thinking that I am trying to feign enlightenment or something. But it does not feel like I would expect enlightenment to feel. There is not the joy in it that I would expect. There is something about it that does not feel right. Am I stuck in some sort of weird limbo state or something?

I just stopped thinking again. By the way, there are no apostrophe's in this article. Lyn would say: you are thinking too much; and she would probably be right. Is my confusion not cute?

What a boring article that was. Now you are judging, Duncan; that is a form of thinking. Will it ever end? Will the war end? Can we have some peace around here?