December 22, 2006

Intense

I am intense. I am extremely physically, intellectually, spiritually and emotionally intense. My tantric teacher told me that I am the most high-voltage person that she has ever met; she also told me that she loved me after the first five hours of us being together.

I've made money intensely; millions of dollars in a few years. I've developed computer chips intensely; work equivalent to thirty-two engineers in a competing company. I've sought the truth intensely; meditating for thousands of hours. I've had relationships intensely; proposing to my ex-wife after only one month of intimacy.

I write intensely. I have therapy intensely. I do comedy intensely. I was on a twelve week stand-up comedy course recently; many of the others on the course were scared of my intensity until about the eighth week when they realized that I'm really, "Sweet and lovable."

Amongst all the other things I do, I'm moving house tomorrow and finalizing my divorce in the next couple of weeks. Given my circumstances, any psychologist would say that I was under a lot of stress. Today I was on a roller-coaster of emotions; I went from peaks of enthusiasm and happiness to troughs of terror and despair; I went through several cycles today. I am thankful for my many supportive and loving friends who let me cry and who encouraged me; you, and my son, are more valuable than anything else to me.

I saw clearly today that I have a problem with low self-esteem; I'm starting to realize that everyone does to some degree. Though it rears its head less and less frequently, this issue took me on the roller-coaster ride today, ending with the suicidal thought of "I am worthless" which lead, in turn, to the terrified thought of "I am incapable".

Mental health is not thinking only "good" thoughts, it is rather allowing all thoughts to pass through without judgment. And emotional health is not feeling only "good" feelings, it is surrendering to all feelings. I am amazed and grateful for the fluidity with which these thoughts and feelings passed through me, leaving me with the calm understanding that I am far from worthless and nowhere near incapable.

It's possible to change emotional or intellectual state at will. I am capable of consciously changing from happy to sad and vice-versa; I do this regularly. But nothing can be transmuted until it is first accepted as it is. And nothing can be accepted until it is conscious. Permanent freedom from suffering has its root in making everything conscious. Jesus said, "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free." Freedom lies in uncovering and accepting the "good" and the "bad"; and it is a law of nature that in the unconscious there is always an equal amount of each; they will neutralize each other and become peace.

I also became aware that on several occasions when my low self-esteem has been activated I have unconsciously emotionally hurt people who I care about deeply. In three cases, this has led to me losing partial or total contact with them. Even if my internal suffering wasn't enough to provoke me to do something, my wish to not harm others has motivated me to now take massive action.

Intensity has worked well in the physical, intellectual, and spiritual dimensions of life but not in the emotional. I have just experienced a large amount of pain due to the ending of an intimate relationship yesterday. Now I see that I began with my heart fully open, and with the assumptions that I could trust one hundred percent and rely totally. Instead of carefully asking questions, observing behavior, and keeping awareness, I entered a state of infatuation in which I saw all of my own "good" qualities and chose to ignore all of the indicators that would have enabled me to open my heart, increase my trust, and be reliant at safe and appropriate levels, levels matching that of the other. Although I don't know for sure why the relationship ended — there are many possible explanations — I feel sadness about the lost potential of it.

At one point today I was desperately seeking some way to escape the pain. After a while, I just stood in my hallway and allowed the grief to wash up through me, out of my eyes, down my cheeks, and onto the carpet. In terms of grieving all on my own — without other loving eyes looking at me — this was the richest I've experienced in my life. Then I stepped onto the porch and found myself moving very slowly and peacefully. I was hugging myself inside my body; my inner-woman and inner-man were comforting each other. I realized that I don't have to try so hard all the time; I can just let go and my life will take its beautiful course; my natural intensity will make life work out, and my natural softness will make life meaningful.

I've been lamas, shamans, priests, and gurus in hundreds of lives and I've succeeded at business and intellectual pursuits in hundreds more, mastering the spiritual, physical, and intellectual realms. In this life, I have come to find my teacher and for her to find me, her teacher also. I have come to experience The One through a perfect intimate relationship. Today I have learned another lesson on the path to that goal.