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January 26, 2006

Down Jacket

To the human species, the down jacket plays a similar role to the swollen rump of the female baboon or the iridescent train of the peacock. Female humans are drawn to a down jacket much like bees to a honey pot, moths to a flame, or Americans to a McDonald's in Stratford-upon-Avon.

Enter a public place such as a restaurant wearing a trench coat, a biker jacket, or a mid-thigh-length, woolen man-about-town coat and not a head will turn nor an eyelid bat. But take the same gent and send him forth donned in a fourteen-tog down jacket and the results will astound. Heads turn, long eyelashes become all a-flutter, knees become weak, and tongues pass provocatively between glossy lips.

What mysterious magic is this? What spell doth he cast? The down jacket represents, on a very subliminal level, the abode of matrimonial consummation itself: the bed. The secret is portable bed-wear. When the young buck enters, all bursting-at-the-seams, the doe's mind will wander on a flight of whimsy: warm, white eiderdown on a crisp, snowy winter's morning; a few slices of toast and a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice; the snow-reflected morning sun shining through large, oak-framed windows; a view of the alpine forest; the warm crackling of an open log fire. She is mesmerized; it is too late to turn back. And thus, the mating ritual begins.

"Hmmm, you certainly are creative when you are having horny thoughts." — Rosie


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