April 15, 2006

Surrender

There was a guy who was beaten unconscious by a group of young men. He was taken to a hospital and the nurses took care of him. When he woke up they asked him who had done this to him. He said, "The same One who is wrapping a bandage around my arm right now."

There is only love. There can only be surrender. Everything else is just a game; a game of teasing and delay. It's a game called hide the love. The mind tries to figure it out but the mind is part of the game. The mind cannot know the totality of love.

The mind thinks that it can control. But there is no control; it is an illusion. The universe just unfolds effortlessly like an unfurling leaf or a butterfly breaking from a chrysalis.

Domination and submission are pseudo-surrender. They're very common in life, not just in sex. They are amplified in sex; the whole game is amplified in sex. Domination and submission are about control. Submission is agreeing to be controlled: it's a form of control itself.

Surrender is about letting go. I feel a sensation of tension and turn to look at it. I see my hand has been holding onto something unconsciously; holding onto a false belief that I am in control. In the awareness and acceptance of the tension, in that safe loving space, my hand opens and I am free.

I surrender into my powerlessness. I release control. There is only love. I find that I am love and that you are love.

I will not surrender unless I feel safe. My mind defends itself against your mind. At first I can only find safety inside of myself. Inside: where my mind can allow itself to be itself, to dissolve in itself. The more I see love inside, the more I see love outside. The mind can only see itself.

The more love I see outside, the safer I feel; the safer my mind feels. And now I surrender into your love. I surrender into your care. I surrender and trust that you will not hurt me, that you will not punish me. I surrender into your care because you are love.

When I was a child, I needed to feel safe. I needed to know that I could lose control and that I would be accepted, loved, and cared for. This childlike state is so sweet. I want to be like a little child again. I want to surrender into your arms and trust that you will not hurt me.

I am not in control. I surrender.