October 29, 2006

Little Boy

I am a little boy. I didn't know before that I was a little boy. Five years ago I thought I was a man. I thought I was a grown-up; capable, strong.

I had made it. I drove a brand-new Porsche. I had several houses. My large kitchen was cherry, oak, and granite. My bathroom was marble and glass. I was an engineer in Silicon Valley in California; part of the aristocracy; a king. I had more money than I knew what to do with. I was revered at work; I overheard a billionaire entrepreneur say, "Duncan is a God". I thought that I could do anything. But I felt so alone. I felt so hopeless. I felt dead. My life was meaningless.

So I meditated deeply. Then I literally saw the light; saw that I was the light. I died and my spirit entered the light. Then my mind let go; it surrendered. But then I was even more lost. I didn't know who or what I was. I wasn't what I thought I had been. And the light, which is unconditional love, cannot be known by thought; only remembered; the head is not the place where it can be known inside the body. So I was in darkness. And I wandered in an even deeper suffering. I couldn't even rely on my delusion any more.

And then my wife abducted my son. She brought him to the UK. The pain was immense; I did everything to avoid it. I "corrected" the situation: I moved to the UK. I moved even though I felt it was wrong; because I could not bear to feel the pain of what was happening.

I began psychotherapy. I began attending open-sharing groups. I went to seminars. I went to workshops. I read books. I wrote. I watched my thoughts and feelings. I accepted what I could; I struggled with what I couldn't. I was a seeker. I suffered.

Over the past four years, life has brought me other troubles. I had to evict my wife's parents. Now I am going through an acrimonious divorce. All these things came for one reason: for me to find myself; for me to finally enter my heart and to feel; to feel the presence of the light in my heart.

I was made to eat from the floor by my step-father. I was beaten with a spade. I was ignored by my mother. I was blamed. I was thrown against walls for things which I didn't do. These things happened because I am love; because I was a mirror in which they saw their own pain; pain that they could not accept. This body is not a thing to be hit; not a thing to be hated. I am not even an animal. I am love.

I found that these experiences formed beliefs that held me prisoner; false beliefs that were the bars on my own private prison; I was wrong, unlovable, and worthless. My thoughts were the weft woven into these warped beliefs; forming the fabric of my experience. But now I have cut the threads, bent bars. I have cried from my depths for freedom and I have been led into the promised land.

I have moved from my head to my heart. This has taken five years. My sweet little son was the key to my heart. He had to come and he had to be taken. I needed that much pain to finally surrender. He is the key because he represents me: the little boy. And the little boy dwells in my heart. That boy is called Love, Unconditional Love. And now I know why I am here. And I understand the light. I know the light because I am the light; I am the truth; I am the way.

God is a little boy who loves unconditionally. I have found that little boy. I have found my god. And now I am one.